Layout help for the utterly clueless?

[blackmare]

I know there are plenty of custom layouts available for DW, but it's like pressing my nose against the candy shop window and knowing I can't have any, while the other kids are in there getting toffee and chocolates.

You see, none of the instructions I have found even make sense to me.  I'm not literate with coding and I don't even know what most of the references are to layers, etc., so I seem to be stuck. I need someone to actually walk me through this. I tried once on my own and the results were awful.

Please, is there a Guide for The First-Timer? Preferably with visuals, so that "Enter X code in Y layer" translates to "Type this code into this field right here on this page, see?" 

If there is, it'll help drive a lot more users here, IMO. The two biggest obstacles I'm seeing at LJ are "none of my friends are moving" and "I would move but I hate DW's styles."

For what it's worth, I've already moved, and paid, because my privacy is more important than my layout, but I feel the frustration all the same.